There are two types of people when it comes to musical theatre: those who grew up going to stagecoach every weekend, learning the entire scores of musicals from Wicked to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and won’t shut up about it, and those who just passionately loathe it. I tend to think I’m one of the rare few who sits right in the middle of these two categories. It’s not like I’d ever go out of my way to listen to soundtracks or fork out hundreds of pounds to go to the West End, but I am equally completely up for going to the playhouse to see Heathers: The Musical on a random Tuesday in October if offered a free ticket.

 

 

Going into this experience, however, I did find this position made me quite nervous. I didn’t, and don’t know anything about what makes a great musical, the type of things I should be looking out for so I could comment on how admirable the direction was. In fact, in the days leading up to the performance I’d almost forgotten what I’d agreed to do. It was only after I arrived at the playhouse and was generously handed a complimentary program, glass of wine, and was thanked for attending opening night I thought: “Fuck, I’m actually going to have to write something after this.” I realised this was not going to be like the one-line Letterboxd reviews that litter the app, I was going to have to attempt to come up with something ‘profound’ to say about a story that has been reviewed and written about by actual critics plenty of times. What could I possibly add to the discourse?

 

 

With this reality in mind, I went into Heathers thinking, the only way I’m going to be able to judge whether or not this was good, was from my immediate thoughts or feelings. Groundbreaking, right? Unlike with movies or albums, where you can pause, rewind, and experience the art over and over again, with theatre, you have one chance to soak it all up; making your initial thoughts and instincts much more important. And so, I apologise in advance if you came looking for a sophisticated take on the choreography, or the composition of the songs, what comes next is an unfortunate string of overly honest and straightforward thoughts on Heathers  I messily jotted down during and immediately after the performance last Tuesday night.

 

 

Before dissecting my poor handwriting, and confused thoughts, I’d like to start by saying that I am actually a huge fan of the Heathers movie. Winona Ryder is of course ridiculously chic and gorgeous as Veronica and gives an incredibly convincing performance alongside the rest of the cast. The costumes are nothing short of ‘80s heaven, and the satire is done so brilliantly. In my opinion, Micheal Lehmann’s 1989 Heathers is close to perfect and so, plot wise, I went into the theatre thinking this would be somewhat of an open goal for them. However, as you can read (although I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t), I was disappointed.

 

 

1. J.D and Veronica’s voices were incredible, and the show’s strongest moments were when they were duetting e.g ‘Seventeen’ and ‘Our Love is God’.

 

 

It was announced before the show that Veronica would be played by one of the understudies, May Tether. Of course, to me, this meant nothing, and Tether seemed to put on an outstanding performance next to Keelan McAuley as Jason ‘J.D’ Dean. Their chemistry was great, and their voices even better, and this lent itself to becoming the moments I wished were longer, and perhaps why   I enjoyed the second half of the show more.

 

 

2. Costumes were crazy stereotypes and cringey. They looked cheap.

 

 

As I already mentioned, the costumes in the movie are one of the things I love most about it. But the costumes in the musical… The three Heathers costumes looked like they were from a Halloween aisle, and the rest of the cast’s outfits were painfully stereotypical. Just one example of this was the outfit of the ‘stoner chick’ who wore a backwards cap, high waisted panelled jeans, and a tie-dye T-shirt tied up on her stomach. It was basically like walking into a twelve-year-old, or millennial’s, vision of how they thought ‘teenagers’ dressed. Overall, they didn’t live up to the‘80s padded shouldered, oversize blazer vibe I was looking for.

 

 

3. Dancing was kind of flat and Heather Chandler was genuinely a bad dancer.

 

 

I’ll leave this one here as I don’t want to be too mean, and my current credentials are at best jumping about in a shitty, dingy Oxford club.

 

 

4. I get it’s the ‘80s and there is satire (which the movie does very well) but I don’t think it worked in the musical. Song about rape? ‘Dead Gay Son’? Felt distasteful instead of funny.

 

 

Satire is, of course, for the British, a huge part of our culture. Perfecting the art of irony and sarcasm is practically mandatory and one becomes very accustomed to injecting it into all and every situation. And actually, surprisingly, the American movie even deals with the satire well, but the musical just landed on the wrong note (wink wink). When Ram Sweeney (played by Jason Battersby) and Kurt Kelley (performed by Ivan Fernandez-Gonzalez), the two ‘jocks’ of the high school break into the song ‘You’re Welcome’ whilst attempting to gang rape Veronica, it didn’t feel fun. In fact, this performance was most definitely what informed my next thought:

 

 

5. The two male ‘jock’ characters were just weird – I get its satire but after their 100^th air hump I lost interest (not that I had much to start) but I was fully like no.

 

 

Both my friend and I, already worn down by Battersby and Fernandez-Gonzalez’s over-the-top performances, felt pretty fed up with this number. I understand musical theatre is always going to be extravagant and campy, and people are always going to break out in song at the most important moments, but Heathers did not deal with this right. It’s not like I’m advocating for the eradication of musicals which deal with potentially upsetting topics. There are plenty of examples, Les Misérables being just one of how well tragic plotlines can work in musicals. The beauty of music is its ability to beautifully project and articulate so many different emotions, but ‘You’re Welcome’ crudely narrates an intense moment. For context, I thought you may find it useful to read some of the lyrics:

 

 

“This is not a drill
This is not a bad dream
In a cow pasture, no one can hear you scream”

…

“Come back girl, now don’t play hurt
If you don’t want me staring, why you wearing that skirt?
We can’t be tamed and we can’t be blamed
It’s all your fault that we’re inflamed”

 

 

Simply, some of the satire felt like a cheap low blow, which could have been dealt with more convincingly. It’s not like I left the theatre feeling upset or distraught, but I did rack up a fair few eye rolls.

 

 

6. Second half was better – is this because the cringe people died.

 

 

Again, harsh! But what was I meant to think when once Heather Chandler, Ram Sweeney, and Kurt Kelley were axed, the show took a turn for the better. Naturally, I had to consider every possible explanation…

 

 

7. Why are we so obsessed with adaptations? Maybe this was not the best story for a musical and that’s fine! Just make more interesting new stories!!!

 

 

And for my final thought, I pose to you that perhaps Heathers just never needed to be a musical in the first place. Just as Mean Girls (2024), the musical film, which is in fact based on Heathers, tanked and was ridiculed for the fact that the music did not fit the achingly cool narrative, I think it’s fair enough to question the same about Heathers. Despite the fact Heathers might seem like a strong contender for a musical adaptation given its ridiculous story, songs like ‘You’re Welcome’ demonstrate that, for some reason, the different tones did not mesh. But who’s really surprised considering our society cannot seem to escape the desire for more and more remakes, adaptations, and reboots instead of creating new stories, and leaving the original well-made pieces of work alone.

 

 

After reading this article you might be unconvinced by my first assertion that I don’t really have a strong opinion about musical theatre. Reading back my thoughts I realised just how harsh and judgemental I can be about art, especially considering I have no real right to be. But if amateurs like me can’t put their two cents in, then stuff like Heathers will continue getting four stars in The Independent and you’ll be none the wiser! Overall, I had a fun night, but would I say Heathers was for me? No. Equally, would I say that my wider opinion on musical theatre has been changed because of it? No again. ∎

 

 

Words by Violet Aitchison. Image courtesy of Violet Aitchison.