The Oxford Purity Test

☐ Never had an essay crisis?

☐ Published fiction in The Isis?

☐ Haunted by Sylvia’s fig tree?

☐ Did anything for that first class degree?

☐ Identified as a Capulet or Montague? 

☐ Worried that Donne’s “The Flea” would work on you?

☐ Have always been a tutor’s pet?

☐ Wrote an essay on one couplet?

☐ Always responded calmly to SSO?

☐ Rocked the Blackwells tote and Docs combo?

☐ Played fuck, marry, kill with Byron, Shelley, Keats?

☐ Rewarded yourself with daily sweet treats?

☐ Saw Emma Watson in an English seminar?

☐ Knew where all the hidden-gem coffee shops are?

☐ Ardently defended Pride and Prejudice (2005)?

☐ Got that cushy internship in the Weston archive?

☐ Been unreasonably proud of your latest Wordle guess?

☐ Made strides in the gifted-kid-rehab process?

☐ Crushed on BBC Merlin’s Lancelot?

☐ Applied Derrida to your ex’s screenshots?

☐ Tactfully ignored Didion’s misogynistic streak?

☐ Seriously considered learning Ancient Greek?

☐ Forgave Grendel’s Mother for all of her crimes?

☐ Knew whether these were the best or worst of times?

☐ Figured out you should stop when you ran out of rhymes?

By Laura Brink. Art by Katee Li